Sadly, this is not a piece of news likely to be picked up by any major, mainstream news organization (like the upcoming iPhone, or a dark theme for your FaceBook page).

This is just about a numeric constant, named π or pi, which for some esoteric reasons is used in many areas of science, engineering, software development and whatnot.

The problem with it seems that nobody is quite sure how big this thing exactly is. Some would say 3.14, some 3.141592, some will come up with 3.141 592 653 589 793 238 462 643 383 279 502 884 197 169 399 371 or even worse.

This is ugly, cumbersome, and error-prone, profiting some "specialists" at the expense of the average Joe. Luckily, this time Joe has some help, none less than the U.S. President Donald Trump himself, who decided to solve the problem once and forever — by setting the official and legal value of π to 3 by a presidential executive order — simple, clear, and easy to use..

"You said it cannot be done", said Mr. President to the skeptics, "And yet, here it is; I just signed it. Look, it says pie equals three. That's how you make America great again."

Mr. Jared Kushner, the President's son-in-law and science advisor (until the position is filled) pointed out that the improved pi should be much cheaper in use, slashing the cost of countless projects. It will also reduce the demand for Asian teenagers with high-school math skills.

It is expected that the industry and academia will be enthusiastic about the better pi. Still, a special USPi Certificate program will assure that only conforming projects or organizations (and their subcontractors) will get any government money, which guarantees quick adoption of the standard.

International reaction. So far very few governments reacted to this, mostly with a collective shrug. A notable exception is Poland, where the ruling Law & Order party, while welcoming Mr. Trump's order, said the idea was originally theirs, and pushed a bill through the Parliament, setting pi to 3.3, effective retroactively from 1990. The new law is said to open "special relationships" between both countries, although the details remain unspecified.

"This is the time for the great Polish nation to get up off its knees", said Prime Minister Morawiecki after the vote, "and claim the place it deserves among others. Our Polish values, including that of pi will be set here in Warsaw, with the votes of our elected representatives, and not in Paris, Berlin, or Tel Aviv, and I can promise you that our pi will be always greater than anyone else's."

Another country following the U.S. is, surprisingly, North Korea. "Each morning the Supreme Commander decides what will be the best value of pi for that day", says the government spokesman.

Despite the limited response, Mr. Trump remains optimistic. "While some global powers, most notably China and the EU, are not following our lead, but the Korean guy seems to be more open-minded. And with Holland passing a similar law we see that even some EU countries may have some common sense."

Updates:

• 2019/04/23

  But of course. The Scripture (1 Kings 7:23) describes a jacuzzi, built for King Solomon by a contractor named Hiram: "And he made a molten sea, ten cubits from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, and his height was five cubits: and a line of thirty cubits did compass it round about."

  Having learned about this from one Lucy Brown (grade 2, Kubaville, KY), Mr. Trump commented, with his usual modesty and brevity: "I told you so." The Polish Minister of Justice and Prosecutor General, Mr. Ziobro, called this "[...] yet another attempt by Jewish extremists to slander Poland, punishable by our law", while Mr. Kim said nothing, but, just in case, had another uncle shot.